You're Crashing But You're No Wave
by sikeminatural
Summary: Sam doing the right thing isn't he? He's not denying anything.


Thanks to _Erytha _for betaing :)

Disclaimer: Sammy is not mine :(

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Sam wasn't addicted. He didn't spend weeks pining for demon blood, no why would he do that? He could survive without it after all. It was the actual practising that made him stronger. The demon blood was just like an energy boost. Like charging a battery. He _so _didn't spend weeks waiting for Ruby to give it to him. He wasn't scared about the way it made him feel, or the fact that he might be going dark side. The fact that Dean thought he would didn't mean anything. No, he would just have to prove him wrong. He hadn't spent the past few months lying endlessly to his brother like he had something to hide. Sam had merely been keeping the truth from him because Dean couldn't handle it. He was too _weak _to cope with what Sam had been up to, he wasn't _strong enough_. Sam was doing this for Dean, because of what he'd been through because he wanted to do what was best for Dean. Help him get some payback. He wasn't doing this out of his selfish desire to kill Lilith because of all the pain she'd caused when she'd killed Dean and destroyed his entire world. He wasn't sacrificing himself for the sake of winning this war and because of the self-loathing he felt at not being able to save his brother. _No way._ Sam didn't ignore his suspicions about Ruby just because she gave him what he desired, he didn't enjoy the way it made him feel. Powerful and dominant and….invincible. Of course he didn't enjoy it. That would make him as bad as Lilith and he was _nothing _like her.

Sam didn't sometimes feel random rage and just want to destroy everything in sight. It was just stress; it had nothing to do with the demon blood passing through his veins. Eating away at him and pushing him closer and closer to the dark side. No, Sam was still the same old Sam. Sure, he'd changed but he was still Sam Winchester. He wasn't losing his identity; he wasn't becoming a new person. He didn't look in the mirror and hate what he saw, despise what he was becoming. But of course he wasn't _becoming _anything. He just had to be _strong enough _for his brother. Because he was doing this for Dean and no one else. It's not like he was loyal to Ruby and he trusted her completely. No that would just be stupid. He knew better than to trust a demon. Just because she'd saved his life and over it didn't mean that he doubted that she would ever betray him.

Sam wasn't at all bothered about the fact that Cas always went to Dean and not to him. He didn't feel a pit in his stomach at the thought that his faith had counted for nothing and it wasn't like he'd really lost his faith or anything. _No his problem was that he still had it._ But that was just stupid. It wasn't a problem. It wasn't as if he yearned for the angel's approval because he knew that if he had theirs, then he'd have Dean's. He didn't care what _they _thought of him…what _God _thought of him.

That was what Sam told himself each day. The lies made it all better. He was shielding himself with his thick, velvety blanket of lies. It was safe under there. He could deny the truth. Ignore it. But he couldn't hide from it; it was always there. Screaming voices inside his head. Voices of reason, voices of doubt. _Disturbed_ voices. _Ruby's_ voice – telling him that this was the right thing to do. _Dean's_ voice; full of fear and worry, warning him that this was wrong. But none of that mattered so long as he kept on believing his lies and false self-reassurances. This was his prerogative, his _destiny_…he could stop this war. So what if he had to ignore the voices and just do it his way. It didn't matter that the anger he felt clouded his judgement. Why the hell would that matter? All that mattered was him stopping the apocalypse and destroying Lilith…that's all he wanted. He wasn't obsessed and full of rage, he wasn't turning into the one thing he vowed he'd be nothing like – his Dad. He wasn't sacrificing himself for Dean's sake. No. _No. _He was just using these powers for the greater good. He didn't get a thrill out of it; he didn't _enjoy_ any of this. And he really _wasn't _scared. He wasn't fooling himself. That was the truth.

And_ Sam wasn't really in denial._

_He had nothing to deny, right?_

_None of this was his fault._

_He had no choice._

_The angels were losing_

_That bitch was winning._

_He was the __**only**__one who could stop this war_

_Dean wasn't strong enough._

_He was._

_End of story._

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**Thanks for reading!**


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